Reciprocity
I am in a bit of conflict about what it is to have ‘community.’ A friend of mine once said, community sounds like a good idea, but then you have to deal with all the people! I laughed, but I also knew what she was saying. I know that I have yearned greatly for something called ‘community,’ but in actuality, I have had it only once. At least once in a way that I would truly call community.
What do I mean by community? Well, this is what I’ve been pondering lately. I think I’ve been idealistic about this concept, thinking I’ve had it then discovering it didn’t feel the way I thought it would. Lately, I’ve been a bit disappointed in the idea, and I think it is due to two things: (1) my unrealistic expectations and (2) my lack of discrimination about who qualifies to be part of my community.
First off, I think being in community includes reciprocity. This is perhaps the primary element I see lacking in many of my current relationships. What is reciprocity? I give, the other person gives in another way at another time. Like that. There is giving without any expectation of reciprocity. And then there is giving where there is this expectation. Community involves both, but between members, there has to be equanimity in giving or an imbalance gets created. It’s something that happens on an energetic level. Whether it involves money, service, or other kinds of labor, it has to be energetically equal. The reciprocity has to “meet” the original energy of the giver. This energetic response can often be something merely verbal, an acknowledgement that meets the givers intent and energy. In an ongoing relationship, however, there has to be a kind of openness, a generosity of heart that waits to give back in kind, in some way.
We would all like to think we are “above” such things, but what does that mean anyway. Our friends are not receivers of our charity, at least not under normal circumstances (there may be times we give in that way to a friend when the need is urgent, etc.). Normal interactions between friends and community members is reciprocal. I give, then down the road somewhere, you give back. That is simply how it works.
My experience of what is supposed to be community lately is not like this, however. This comes on the heels of experiencing the only genuine community I’ve ever known, and I brought a host of expectations with me as a result. I took this simple reciprocity for granted, because it was offered without question, without forethought, as a natural course of my interactions with my community members. I gave, they gave back down the road in kind, in some way. The balance was maintained easily, without having to ask for it, without having to expect it. It just happened and came from the hearts of the people involved.
Was it perfect? No. But for the most part, this is how it went. What happened after leaving this community? A friend or two needed help, and I offered to help. A web site, some organizational help, whatever it was, I had the time and therefore the energy to give. It seemed a good way to get more involved with new friends. I never imagined that my overtures would be interpreted as something more than friendship, nor that I would feel so taken advantage of. Definitely naivety on my part, and no blame to those involved. It just happened that way, and I had to deal with it. And learn from it.
What I learned is that I need to be much more discriminating in my giving. That I need to weigh the character, emotional health, and intention of the person I’m dealing with. That I need to measure my own capacity to give, how much energy I need for myself before I give to others, as well as how much I WANT to give.
And I need to allow for correction. If I find things getting out of balance, I need to immediately tend to that and not think ‘oh, I shouldn’t feel that way.’ I DO feel that way, and the feeling is quite appropriate. Reciprocity is fundamental to our social and communal interactions, and it is as important to be fed as to feed others.
I’m not saying there aren’t relationships that ask me to give more. Children, young people looking to me as a mentor. There are definitely relationships that are not reciprocal in the way I’m describing it. But even then, I enter into the relationship understanding that and being willing to accept it.
What I’m talking about are peers, friends, people who are supposed to be friends. I have experienced, to a degree, being used, manipuluated, exploited, having my energy sucked dry, by people who are self-absorbed, emotionally stunted, damaged people who are so needy and feel such lack that they can only take from me and not give back. They aren’t bad people, necessarily. Depends on what you call ‘bad’ I guess. They are trying to survive like everyone else. Although community requires its members to rise above their base ’survival’ needs and aim towards something on a higher level, or I should say towards something that has its locus outside or beyond the individual.
It requires a lot, actually, and what I’ve realized is that very few people are really ready for genuine community. I’m not even sure I’m ready for it, at least not at this point in my life. Right now, I don’t feel all that open to people. Perhaps that is not the right way to put it. I don’t feel open to many people. I’m tackling the second of those two reasons I think I’ve been so disappointed in community. I’ve already explored the first–my unrealistic expectations–and accepted that I’ve had them. And that it’s perhaps not fair (not sure about fairness being the right category here) to hold people to them.
So really, now it’s more about my lack of discrimination. And what it is in my that allowed these things to happen. I’ve been pretty singed as of late. Not in a horrible, exterior way, but in a more insidious and internal way. My response has been confusion, lots of confusion, anger, sadness, grief. I found myself feeling resentment, bitterness, which is definitely not the way I choose to feel or live my life.
Fortunately, I’m getting to the other side of all this, and I’ve been weighing the quality of my relationships. Who is easy to be around, who gives as easily as she takes. My greatest measure is my own heart and intuitive sense. I find if I really listen, discrimination becomes easy. It’s really just a matter of increasing my sensitivity and being willing to STOP and listen when the alarms go off. Because sometimes those alarms are mighty quiet, and I have to really get quiet to hear them.
Is genuine community possible? Another question for another time. But I can say that I think it’s possible. It will probably look different than I first imagined–actually, of that I’m sure! I can also say that if it’s not, that’s fine too. And I’m talking community of humans here! Because there are other kinds of community than human community. There is a whole world out there teeming with community of a different sort altogether, definitely looking quite different than our ideas of what that is. More on that later…
