I woke up today and did little but lie around.  Read the rest of the Sword of the Lictor, only to find out there is a fourth volume I didn’t know about and don’t have.  Have to wait to find out what Severian does next.  I also read today that Severian is a big, fat liar.  An unreliable narrator. Bummer.

Tourist season has started here, but fortunately for me, today it rained.  Hard enough to keep many of the tourists away.  I felt fed, no survival worries.  I stepped out in the early afternoon for a walk and into a whole different landscape.  A different internal landscape more than anything.  It was a peaceful place, quiet and centered.  I felt like I had finally arrived here and returned home all at the same time.  I walked past the tourist buses by the museums and down around the ‘ring.’ More huge buildings. he Parliament, the volks garten, huge cathedrals.  It started to rain.  Lucky for me I have my little umbrella and I walk in it just fine.  It was so quiet, few people, the smell of horses as carriages went by.  I love the smell of horses, even their manure.  Ambrosia!!!

I walked and walked. Felt like I was ‘in Vienna’ for the very first time.  Enjoying it.  I have been hearing Zhander’s voice in my head throughout the weeks here.  I wake up with the things he is saying wafting around in my head. During evening practice, walking around the streets, the voice winds in and out and around my mind. Not today.  It was quiet in there today.  We weren’t supposed to think about practice today and I did as I was told.  Just walked, got a bit wet.  It was good.

I came back to my room.  Did some stuff.  Somewhere at some point, a picture popped into my head.  Things often come to be in pictures, some of which I then sit down and draw out.  I drew this.  A simple picture, to be elaborated on when I get home. A picture of a small pile of wood, a fire burning, the air stirring into wind above it, the wind moving.  A picture of energies, my energies.  How they might work together, feeding and supporting each other.  Water to grease the pipes, to moisten the air and green the desert.  It’s a simple picture, and it fits into how my body is put together.  I can connect this picture to to the work we do in class, to poses and stances and movements. I can feel it in my body as I do. There are centers where these energies get generated, where the alchemy happens and these energies come together and one of them is produced and supported by the others.  But then these energies run through my whole body, like rivers, and each of them needs to be working and supporting each other everywhere. Earth supports and feeds the fire, the fire stirs the air, the wind moves, the water keeps the air cool and moist. Keeps the rivers flowing.

I felt something opening. The glimmer of understanding. For the first time, I think perhaps, just maybe, I’m starting to unwind the knot that binds me. The puzzle that has eluded me. The one about how to live in this body. To not want to rip at it and burn away the skin. To tear my way out of it. To not despise it and hate it and feel confined by it. It is easy for me to find ‘home’ without the body. To step back and back again and then back again and find Home. But I have a different feeling of being ‘at home’ today. Maybe this body is ‘home’ too.

I’m sitting in Starbucks at 8pm and that shows you just how desperate I am. My hotel room was closing in on me tonight. I’m working on the Shala questionnaires. I am so incredibly grateful for the honesty and thought that went into all of your responses, those of you who did respond, that is! I have a very good picture of where things are and I’ll be presenting it all to Jody and Matt soon after I get back! Plus we have some exciting new marketing strategies developing, business cards, all kinds of goodies. It’s hard to be here and have all this bubbling up, only waiting for me to get to it!

Two Days LATER: No real reason I never finished that post other than I didn’t have much to say! That was a hard night for me. The Wednesday (hump day) of the second week. Not a good day for me. I felt such intense frustration at being here and all alone. It was one of those “I can’t stand this another minute” feelings. Of course, I did stand it, and it eased quite a bit once I realized that it really had nothing to do with wanting to come home, which of course I do. It had much more to do with what is emerging for me in this solitude and how nice it would be to be distracted from it. I had a hint of this when I felt some very old, self destructive feelings pass through me. Then it was, ‘ah, I get it’ and everything eased up and I felt a shift. It is also nice to know I’m on the other side of the ‘hump.’ One more practice day tomorrow, then Sunday, then the homestretch. Today was nice too in that the London women took me under their wing a bit and invited me to breakfast. Lunch next week. I find that, while I totally miss my family and friends, I also am not very inclined for socializing. So just a little contact was good.

I do have some practice news. Circling form has some changes. Finally, something new to bring home! Of course, one of the changes is beyond my capability, but he said the pose was on the DVD, so I can point to it!! I’m also going to try to work it while I’m here and see where I can take it. At the beginning of Circling, we no longer to the side lunges with reverse prayer, etc. We do Vahni! We are holding it for five breaths. Not sure if that is standard, but we do Vahni, then go right into the Prasarita variations. Oh joy, my favorite. My injured hamstring is very sore. Not re-injured, but definitely a bit pissed off at me for asking it to do this after it thought it had successfully prevented me from EVER going there again. I’m bringing it along slowly this time. I have the rest of my life to master Prasarita, and, I’m giving myself notice, I WILL master it someday. It is my particular mountain to climb, and most likely just the first of many mountains to follow. But perhaps, it is the one that will unlock the door that will make the others much more doable?

Anyway, we do Vahni, then Prasarita variations, no changes there, then we come up out of Prasarita, and into the same sequence we’ve always done. Up to a point. There are two major changes. The reverse Sarpa now winds much farther and you are to rest on your bent leg with the other leg up off the floor. I’d be happy to demonstrate when I get home, but this is the pose that eludes me as of now. Like I said, the DVD has it. And I’ll try to get it better by the time I get home. I believe the reverse Sarpa we were doing before was preparation for this one.

The other change is in doing Sarpa at the end, we only do it once each side then go into Praying Mantis, which looks to me to be a martial arts pose. Very cool. My injury didn’t like it, but once it is better, it will be good to do. You do that once to each side, then right into Surya Namaskar. We will be doing the closing sequences tomorrow (Hanuman, Mayurasana, Paschimo, etc.)

So a few changes here. Next week he is going to show some of us something to be done before practice that churns the energy. I believe it will be the Shakti Chalana mudra (involves ujjayi breathing, bhastrika, surya bedha, nauli), and I believe we have done some form of this before in our practice at home? I’m not at all sure and may be completely wrong. And I may never know. Only some of the folks are going to be able to do that. I may not be one of them, if what I’m hearing is true. I can’t do 5 minutes of mayurasana! Maybe 2 minutes, but wobbling and not fully outstretched. So I may be of no help there either. Sad, because I will fail miserably in my job as emissary for the Shala.

That’s it, except for a few more Vienna pictures. Mostly of one building from different angles that I thought was cool. Until later….

See the post below for photos of my outing outside and around Vienna yesterday.  Today, I’ll post some more photos at the end of this post.

Not much to report pratice-wise, really.  It is so hard to share how much I am learning here.  There is nothing really new to the form, other than a few minor adjustments, at least to Balakrama.  We start Moving Form tomorrow and I’ll bet we have the latest version of that one too, since Zhander taught it last October. But the talking part of it, well, that’s another thing entirely.  The physical part of the practice is just where to put the body, but the real practice is happening on levels much deeper than that. The things he talks about resonate and start to show up, things I start to notice, that start to come alive.  There is so much to learn, it is overwhelming. But I remind myself to take it one step at a time. Notice things, then follow up with more learning, with whatever seems to be showing up at the time. One day it’s learning more about the kanda, another marma points.  Overall, the knowledge starts to build on itself, like bricks in a building. One at a time, brick by brick, it starts to form a structure and become something I can step into.

Something like that anyway!  I’m very lonely, still, but also realizing that much of what I’m feeling is there all the time, under the surface. I know it’s there, but there is so much to do and go to and people to talk to and new projects to dive into.  So easy to overlook what is always there, tugging at my shirt sleeve.  Not so now.  It’s walking around with me like my constant companion, and I turn to meet it and see what it wants to say to me. One thing I can say about being my age, anything that remains unresolved, unrequited, undone, comes to stare at you in the face.  Literally!  I hear the hoofbeats.  I am not going to live forever, it’s official now.  That’s what the face in the mirror is telling me.  Time to let go of the rest of the bullshit and get really real.  Do what I came here to do. Because I’ve known since I was old enough to know anything that I have something to do here, in this life, in this body. It’s a good thing, in that way, because you definitely start to not care about any crap and have no time for it in yourself or anyone else. It can be a real time-saver for sure.

But a sad thing too, because I’m no longer ‘young’ and it is time to say goodbye to all the ways I can hide behind that thought of being young. I still know nothing, but now I know I know nothing. I mean, I really know it, all the way through, and from that place, I can truly begin to live whatever it is I’m here to live.  And that expresses itself through me and has nothing to do with me ‘doing’ anything or figuring anything out!  That’s the true gift of age, I think.  Never having to figure out another damn thing ever again! Because I have run my boat aground enough times trying to make the voyage happen this way or that or figure out how to get here or there. So now, I give it up and go with the flow of the river, wind full in my sails.  Ha.

Okay, enough of the boat metaphor.  I know nothing about sailing either!

I’ll report on more when there is more.  Zhander says so many things that it’s hard to pin one down.  But it returns at different times when needed. And when he’s talking I’m in ‘being present’ mode and not ‘recording’ mode. And what he says is really what is appropriate at the moment, in that group, at that time.  But even so, I’ll try to do better and have more things to say about what he says…

More photos from last week:

Wow, it’s 1:06 AM PST. Most of you are fast asleep as I write this. I took these to show you what I meant when I said that the streets feel like fortresses. Look at that solid wall of large buildings! That’s the norm around here, pretty much wherever you go. Don’t know about other parts of Vienna.

Okay, so anyone who has ever complained about doing a few extra Virasthanas needs to do this! Try 16+ count Vahni (doesn’t sound like much, try it, with nice SLOW breaths), 5 Virasthana, 5 of that thing that comes after (yes I need to learn the name), 9 freaking Chakris each side (the worst for me, like I said, try it, SLOW!), Snake? Don’t tell me about Sarpa (Snake). We did at least a dozen holding each stage, moving oh so slowly, yes. It actually felt good at the time! Lots of repeats and doing things again, honing it down. Starting to integrate some of what he talked about, like when you move, it is the opposite side that moves you. If you want to move up, you have to use what is down to move you up. If you want to move left, use your right. It is the opposite side that moves you. We got to work on learning that in Sarpa (why we did so many of them).

The only really ‘new’ thing, though, is a slight adjustment in the way that sequence I cannot name after Virasthana is performed. Better shown than described.

I slept 7 hours straight, so no worries there. The Shadow of the Torturer is a brilliantly weird book, btw. Feel more present, though a bit lonely. I miss sitting after class and having lots of friends to talk to. And today is the after-class “Women’s Get-together at Grand Central” day. I am imagining eating a bacon-egg bolo instead of the boiled egg and rice cake I just had in my room.

Met some nice ladies from London. Met Daphne, who guided me, I hope, to some free wi-fi (I’ve either been sitting outside for free or at Starbucks at great expense). Hopefully now I’ll be able to tackle some of that Shala work I’m supposed to be doing!

That’s it for today. No tomes. It’s all good. My legs are very tired. Have to do it all again this afternoon. Emma runs us through stuff tomorrow, another afternoon practice, then a day of rest. I’ll be visiting with a Viennese friend on Sunday, and I’ll be taking more pictures that day. Something different than big buildings.

Here are a couple more shots from yesterday’s jaunt into the hugeness of Vienna. I rather like the fellow on the horse: