Horse Chronicles

We adopted a baby horse three weeks ago! She came to us from Nevada, where she was living on a large ranch that went out of business. The entire herd, well over 100 horses, ended up at a feedlot in Fallon, NV, and all the moms were sadly taken away for slaughter. A rescue group came in and found homes for all the babies. So Star came to us in pretty bad shape. Traumatized, exhausted, and sick, it took me over a week of spending entire days with her to get her comfortable with my presence. I’ve taken things very, very slowly, but in the three weeks since she arrived, I’ve been able to pet her all over, halter her, worm her, and we are starting to work on leading. She’s a smart girl, sensible, and starting, finally, to show genuine curiosity, playfulness, and a little bit of baby attitude. All extremely welcome, because it shows me she’s not only feeling at home, and feeling better, but is getting over her early experiences and behaving like a baby horse should!

John named her Star for the star on her forehead and her full name is Starlight. She’s beautiful and sweet and we love that we can give her a beautiful home to grow up. She is very bonded with my three-and-a-half-year old, Dakota, and gets along well with our oldest horse, Grace. She is also bonding with our two newest additions–two Nubian mix goats named Wilbur and Orville.

We have a full barn these days! But what a delight. We find ourselves asking “Is this heave?” No, it’s southern Oregon. But it sure looks like it could be heaven!

I’ve ridden lots of horses since the age of four. I’ve owned three, including the horse I have now, but I’ve ridden dozens of horses in my life.  I love riding, don’t get me wrong.  I’ve wanted to ride before I could walk.  But there is something I want that is not encompassed by riding alone.  I guess you could call it relationship.  Partnership.  I’ve seen it called by these and other names.  Friendship could be one.

My relationship with horses has always been strong and profound. So what makes this desire for ‘partnership’ different? I guess it is something more fundamental than getting on a horse’s back and seeing where we want to go.  I am finding a whole new world of being with horses on the ground, hanging out in my horse’s paddock, standing with her while she takes an afternoon nap, her nose barely touching my arm.  I’m discovering the feeling of having my horse look at me, full on, ears forward, waiting, reaching out to me.  Wanting to connect.

Not that I’ve never had these things.  But this is about something I’ve never quite gotten to before.  I guess the difference is that I’m training this horse myself. She’s young and an open slate, and it’s up to me to teach her what she needs to know to live in a world full of humans who will be asking her to do things she would never normally do. How to do that, with integrity, with honor and respect on both sides, is the challenge I’m taking on.  I don’t just want a riding horse, I want a ‘partner’ who is my riding horse. I want a thinking, feeling, aware sentient being on the trail, using her intelligence and capacities to help keep us safe.  I want a fully engaged partner in the arena, doing dressage, barrel racing, whatever it is we end up doing together. Not a horse that responds just because I push the right button.  But a horse that WANTS to respond, that understands what I’m asking of her and is willing and able to offer me more.

Is this possible?  Many writers and clinic instructors say it is.  I’m about to find out! And I’ll find out too if I’m up to the challenge I’ve set for myself. I don’t doubt the horse, but I do question myself and what MY capacity to learn will be.

So here it is, a chronicle of my journey with horses, with one horse at present. Her name is Dakota and she turned 2 today!

Well, the cold and rain are finally starting to lift here in Ashland. We had bouts of warm spring weather and leftover winter weather interspersed. The coming of spring coincides nicely with what is happening in my life, and John’s too. It’s been up and down for us here. We love the beauty and energy of the place. And my life with horses continues to unfold and mature. But it’s been hard to know how we were going to make it here financially. Little of what I thought I’d be doing here has panned out. I went through several long weeks of mourning the life I left in Portland. Mostly the yoga community I had there and the future I thought I’d have teaching within it. I missed and still miss my friends and those that I have come to love. I have also been dealing with many losses on many levels, all of which needed its proper time for grieving. It’s been a difficult transition for me in many ways, while a healing and delightful one in others.

But the dark clouds definitely seem to be parting, thankfully! A new book project is forming that I feel extremely excited about. It’s clearer and more on purpose than some of the other things I’ve tried developing this past year. I’m also looking for, and may have already found, a small part-time job to bring in a bit more money. All of the places I’ve checked with have stopped to talk to me and seem very interested in having me work there. Very nice to have this response. So different in a small town than in a big city!

Dakota continues to develop and grow. She’s still very much a youngster, but being almost 2, she starting to develop into the mature horse she’ll be in a couple of years! I continue to take her for long walks and do groundwork, and she’s at a place that has lovely pasture and three other horses for her to be with. She is much more happy and alive than she was at the stables I had her at before. I can’t wait until the fall when I can start her under saddle. I can’t do what I really want to do with her until she’s a bit older, but it will be exciting to get things really going once I can ride her.

John is taking riding lessons with Toni, the same person with whom I’m taking lessons. He had a blast, which is fortunate, since I think it is likely that, if we are going to be spending a lot of time together in the future, it will involve horses!

John is riding Tami, and Toni said he did really great for his first lesson.  He has ridden before, but it’s been a while.

Moved Dakota to her new home. Am too tired to write much, but it is so wonderful and peaceful and beautiful. She’s happy and rolling and galloping in her new paddock. Will take pictures and post more tomorrow. Also have a new dog named Timmy, who is adorable and funny and will be a great playmate for Mila. Our family is growing and happy right now. Timmy is the little black dog in the picture below.

Today we cleaned up Dakota’s paddock. Actually, I’d been doing it for several days but then John came to help me, great guy that he is! Dakota found it all to be very fun. I left to ride and John stayed to finish up. The two of them mugged it up for the camera…

We recently went on a picnic and took Dakota and Mila with us. Dakota found it very fun and wanted to stay close to the ‘herd.’

NEWS: Well, some doors close and others open. My good friend, Pat, has offered me a new home for Dakota. She has her own place with her three horses on it, all of whom I ride. I am particular to Spice, her half Arab/half Thoroughbred, mostly because she is sweet and fun, and is very close in personality to many, many horses I’ve worked with. I love the other two as well, Scrimshaw and Engelita, though I haven’t yet ridden Engie.

Anyway, she has a lovely property with several pastures. She has offered me a pasture with a run in–MUCH nicer than what she is in now. Eventually, she may be in with her three girls, if they all get along that is. It’s a wonderful opportunity to have Dakota in a safe, clean, healthy environment. There is a large arena as well, which is awesome. A lot of smaller properties like this don’t have facilities like arenas. Plus it’s an energy exchange!!! So it will save us a ton of money!

I’ll be moving Dakota in a bit over a week, after we are sure she is free from parasites. The most wonderful thing to me is that I’ll be able to totally control what Dakota eats and how she is cared for. Not sure the walks will be quite so spectacular, and I will miss the hills we walk in. But the offer is too good to pass up.

Thanks Pat!!!!

I just got back from a rather exhausting trip to Seattle than Portland. It was all good, just a lot to process and physically has me a bit wiped out. The trip to Seattle was wonderful, being with my dear friend, Aliyah. It was physically demanding but by itself, would have been fine. But I came back and turned around and then drove to Portland to do two days of intense yoga. I could barely walk after the second day! It’s been a while with yoga! I had a lovely conversation with my friend and teacher, Matt. It was good to be with him again, and with my yoga friends.

On my return, everything seems changed, alien in a way. I don’t feel like I’m really home. My horse is still great, but I found out she has the worst case of parasites any horse of mine has ever had. I find that I am trusting other people’s opinions more than my own. I’m not trusting myself to know what I know. I’m changing that. And I’m waiting…waiting to know what is being asked of me. If anything.

I’m tired, but I am on my way out to clean Dakota’s paddock. A friend made a lovely offer of her pasture to me, in exchange for my help with some of her needs, like taking care of her three girls when she leaves town. I can’t imagine not taking her up on this generous offer. A clean, green pasture for my girl, other horse friends to be made and to spend time with. A lovely and caring woman to keep an eye on her when I’m not there. Not quite as good as having her with me on our own place, but close.

I feel unsettled, uncertain. I miss my yoga practice but have no place that feels good to do it in. No room in our small space. Can’t afford to rent a studio. Not sure what to do about much of anything except to get my horse healthy and safe.

If I write a blog, but nobody reads it, are there any words? Or if I write these words, but nobody reads them, do they have meaning? Or…who gives a crap, eh???

It’s interesting. I’m finding, increasingly, that words don’t come. It’s getting harder for me to find them, whether I’m writing, speaking, thinking. There’s no rage, no windmills to battle, no great truths to write about. Just a growing sense of quiet. I’m not sure this is the same thing as peace. I don’t always feel peaceful. There is inner turmoil, a struggle between the world of language, work and community, and my only clear, remaining desire to be alone in a place of quiet, with my horse in the mountains, walking my dog by the lake. Me, my horse, a dog or two. Walking in fields littered with the most beautifully configured dead limbs and trees. Tall grass. And wind. When I’m not there, my mind is there. For sure my heart is there. I’ve never been at ease in the world, but I always thought I was supposed to ‘do’ something in it. But it’s hard to engage in the world when there is no struggle, nothing to conquer, with no real desire to ‘do’ anything or say anything. It’s hard to construct a story out of nothing. A story requires words, so where are we when there are no words? Nowhere? Everywhere? I don’t know. Sometimes I feel nowhere, like nothing, invisible. Sometimes I feel everywhere, totally connected, and everywhere I look I see the eye of god looking back at me. God looking at god. But I do know it’s very hard to be in this body without a story, without words, a narrative of your life. I am….this… A woman with a horse who likes to walk in the mountains…